Football League Preview

Yes!!! Football League action returns THIS weekend! As a result I have attempted to cram as much information and ongoing's from the three leagues into this blog to whet your appetite.

It all kicks off tonight with Ian Holloway's Blackpool visiting Hull City. The Tangerines finally succumbed to losing their prized asset Charlie Adam, along with consistent performer David Vaughan and only yesterday the prolific DJ Campbell to QPR. Despite these departures I expect 'Ollie' to motivate his squad sufficiently to produce a decent season. High mid-table for me. 

Of the three teams relegated from the Premier League, West Ham on paper look the best equipped to bounce back. Bouncebackability for want of a better term. Recruiting Sam Allardyce is a masterstroke and if they retain the squad that they start the season with, which still includes Scott Parker, they look strong. Rob Green, Matthew Upson, James Tomkins and Carlton Cole should all fare well along with summer signings Kevin Nolan and Matty Taylor. I must remind you however that only 2 relegated teams in the last 10 seasons have won The Championship the following year, Sunderland in 06/07 and Newcastle United in 09/10. Much of NUFC's success in that promotion was incidentally owed to Kevin Nolan, who bagged 17 league goals.

**NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE COMPETITIVENESS OF THE CHAMPIONSHIP**

The bookies cannot separate The Hammer's and Leicester City who are back-able at 4/1 across the board. The Foxes are another club benefiting (this term is used loosely) from foreign investment and Sven has been gifted a war chest to spend. And boy has he spanked it. The squad now comprises an army of has-beens that includes Paul Konchesky and John Paintsil, could've-beens (Sean St Ledger and Neil Danns) and may-beens (David Nugent, Matt Mills and Michael Johnson, on loan from Citeh). Much depends on how they gel and potentially how long until Sven gets bored, sacked or embroiled in scandal. For me West Ham are significantly more appealing than Leicester, and sticking my neck on the line I can see LCFC falling short of the play-offs.

The dangers of foreign ownership have been highlighted with Birmingham City and there is genuine fear of a potential plight. Carson Yeung, the owner of BCFC, is currently fighting money-laundering charges in his homeland Hong Kong. As a result all of his assets have been frozen, the knock-on effect being BCFC are skint. Subsequently they have been forced to sell Roger Johnson, Sebastian Larsson, Craig Gardner, Lee Bowyer, Barry Ferguson, Kevin Phillips, and James McFadden and have allowed Ben Foster to join WBA on loan. Not the ideal start for new manager Chris Hughton.

A new era beckons for perennial under-achievers Cardiff City with Malky Mackay recently employed as gaffer. Players out the door include young right-back Adam Matthews to Celtic, and free agents Jay Bothroyd and Chris Burke joining QPR and Birmingham City respectively. Kenny Miller has been brought in and will link up with popular old boy Robert Earnshaw. Potentially lethal. The same goes for Nottingham Forest who have appointed Steve 'Schtevie' McClaren as manager with Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink the new first team coach. The arrival of George Boateng further stokes the crazy Dutch theme going on there yah.

Ipswich Town have bought shrewdly, using much of the £8.1 million Sunderland paid for starlet Conor Wickham. Lee Bowyer in particular should flourish, along with proven Championship performers Michael Chopra and Ivar Ingimarsson. Paul Jewell is a top manager and I expect the Tractor Boys to be challenging for a Top 6 finish. There is a bunch consisting of Leeds, Middlesborough, Cardiff, Forest, Reading and newly promoted Brighton and Southampton who can all challenge at the top. Brighton in particular have been fancied to go well, with a new 24,000 seater stadium, money to spend (paid £2.5 million for Craig Mackail-Smith) and an attractive brand of football instilled by manager Gus Poyet.

Expect tough campaigns for Doncaster, Barnsley, newly-promoted Craig Mackail-Smith-less Peterborough and cash-strapped Coventry City.

Annual nearly-men Huddersfield Town begin the season as favourites in League 1 and judging by their impressive form from January onwards, the retention of key players and a talented young manager in Lee Clark, their favourtism appears justified in what looks like a weak division. The blow of losing much-vaunted Anthony Pilkington, who jumps 2 leagues to the Premiership in joining Norwich, has been softened with the permanent arrival of the pacy Danny Ward from Bolton. Preston, with the annoying Phil Brown in charge, suffered relegation due to a catastrophic first 3/4 of last season. Once Brown was appointed things took a turn for the better. Ian Hume is expected to score a few and for me they look as attractive as anyone for promotion. 

League 1 see's the return of the Sheffield derby, with relegated Sheffield United joining their neighbours Wednesday in the division. Charlton legend Chris Powell looks to guide The Addicks back towards the big-time, Man City cult hero Uwe Rosler is the new manager at Brentford (they must be buzzing) and Martin Allen will try to squeeze some more goals out of last season lowest-scoring team Notts County.

League 2 looks one to follow. For a lower league club Crawley Town have been gaining some serious column inches, predominantly down to their big-spending and widespread unpopularity. There is still much mystery as to the source of the extensive funds spent on the team that famously ruffled feathers in last season’s F.A. Cup. They are heavily favoured to achieve a second promotion in two years. AFC Wimbledon, less than 10 years after forming, also take their place in the Football League; a wonderful story all the more impressive with no Vinny Jones, Efan Ekoku or Fash in sight. Oxford United are expected to improve on their mediochre mid-table finish from last season, shoring up their suspect defence with the signing of the evergreen Michael Duberry. Dubbed as the 'best footballing side in the division' last season, will The Dube add some much needed steel to the team? And finally, League 2 witnesses the return of the exuberant, enigmatic, occasionally fascist scorer of the Premier Leagues greatest goal.......it's Paolo Di Canio of course! As a manager. That's right. And where has he decided to begin this new chapter in his career? Swindon Town. G'luck to you. 

For all you fans who are so warped with the circus that the Premier League provides, this is your opportunity to show a little interest in what happens downtown. For one week only. Bring it.

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Apparently Joey Barton is a George Orwell fan. Further inspirations include George Washington and Morrissey. I know, pretty wacky, and on the face of it it appears as convincing as Rupert Murdoch claiming he is humbled. His Twitter account description reads something like this:

''I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving. England is mine and owes me a living''.

The Smiths - Still Ill



Do we care about Joey Barton as much as he thinks we do? Since his foray into Twitterland, in a blatant attempt to enhance a reputation that was (is) lower than an Arsene Wenger transfer bid, he has not been discreet in sharing his thoughts. This recent episode of Barton's incident-laden career appears to have begun following the departure of 'close-friend' Kevin Nolan last month, feelings compounded further by the January exit of Andy Carroll.

He may be quite rightly disillusioned by Newcastle's insistence of selling their prize assets, signifying a lack of ambition to progress as a club. Unfortunately he has utilised the unprofessional tactic of airing his forthright opinions via the modern medium of social media, specifically Twitter. If you follow @Joey7Barton you may have noted that his persona and character is a far cry from the troublesome, notorious one that he has developed throughout his career. In Twittersphere he comes across as highly literate, recently Tweeting ''Training done today, off to buy some books and have a coffee'', a lover of soulful lyrics of which the majority  are penned by The Smiths, politically motivated and aware and dare I say it, intelligent. It is somewhat surreal. So this is real Joey Barton, one that prefers tea to a Bacardi Breezer, and the poetry of Dylan Thomas to that of Ludacris?

People's memories are notoriously short. It appears that in modern society the ability to play football well is sufficient to make-up for any past indiscretion’s, no matter how serious. With Barton generally incident-free for the best part of a year and the re-brand process in overdrive, he is judged not on his numerous past misdemeanour's but on his stellar efforts on the pitch. After years of consigning him to the gutter, the media has now embraced Joey. He is news-worthy either way. When I think of Joey Barton I can't shake the visions of him savagely decking some lad in the street. Further villainy includes stubbing a cigar in the eye of a youth team colleague when at Citeh, an attack on team-mate Ousmane Dabo during a training session (in which he admitted causing 'Actual Bodily Harm') and the mid-match abdominal jab administered to Morten Gamst Pedersen. And there's more.

Another Newcastle fan revolt against the board is overdue, it's been at least 5 months after all, so maybe he has been rather shrewd in taking them on. He has included in various Tweets phrases underlying his passion for the club and the 'pride and honour in wearing the shirt' which will no doubt endear him further to the Newcastle faithful. Whilst the board are no saints, unfortunately it appears the NUFC fans are siding with Barton. In Geordie-land this means one thing: a 60,000 strong army of fans (who should surely be at work?) outside the stadium calling for Mike Ashley's head. 


In my opinion he deserves little sympathy for the situation he has created or any respect despite the grandest of efforts. He's hardly saved a kitten from a tree. Some may see this as harsh. I was impressed when following the MGP incident he admitted publicly to having serious anger management issues that he was striving to address.  Consequently discretion should be the order of the day. Most professionals would air such views behind close doors.

What cannot be argued is his contribution to NUFC on the pitch: no player assisted more goals from set-pieces in the league than him and Newcastle's win % without him was a big fat zero. In the space of 6 months the club has sold arguably their 3 most influential players in Andy Carroll, Kevin Nolan and Joey himself, assuming he leaves. It doesn't stop there, with talented left-back Jose Enrique expected to exit also, voicing his dissatisfaction in recent weeks in a similar Twitter tirade. He was fined a cool £100,000. With the season expected to begin with a negative mood surrounding St James' Park and a sizeable void of goals that is yet to be filled, this could well end up being a tough campaign for the Geordies. Maybe some value in backing them at 6/1 (across the board) to be relegated.

One team you can near-on guarantee he will not be joining is Wolves. An incident last season, involving utility donkey Greg Halford, resulted in Mick McCarthy bringing in a media law firm to educate the squad into use and potentials dangers of Twitter. Halford was on loan at Pompey but had returned to Molineux to view Wolves’ league match against Chelsea. He proceeded to Tweet ''With Steven Sidwell in the stands, read what you like into that''. The following day Sidwell signed for Fulham and not Wolves. I can only begin to imagine the hellish wrath incurred by Halford as a result. I imagine a telling off from Big Mick is at the Christian Bale end of the spectrum.

Although not banning it outright, you can tell that Big Mick is not a fan, labelling potential mis-users as 'numpty's' and 'twits'. ''Say it to my face, not Twitter'' is McCarthy's stance. Consequently, I can't see Joey heading to the West Midlands. Although imagine the graft in a midfield quarter of Stephen Hunt, Jamie O'Hara, Karl Henry and Joey Barton. Gritty.

In other news......

- Manchester United lose 8-2 to Marseille. People of Surrey, do not fret, as the composition of the 2nd half team included Fabien Barthez, David Ginola and numerous French celebrities. And Phil Jones.

- Stubborn Arsene Wenger decides to punish petulant booing fans by not signing Phil Jagielka and vowing to improve Sebastian Squillaci.

- Tottenham Hotspur attempting to sign numerous stars by generally keeping hush, hoping that they do not realise they failed to qualify for the Champions League.

- Fernando Torres has scored a goal.

- El Hadji Diouf still AWOL, lets hope he stays there.

- Liverpool threaten to lose 3 friendlies in a row 3-0. Recover from 2-0 down against Valerenga to win 3-2. One for Candy and a brace for Agger. Agger two two two.....

- In other news Liverpool's 19 midfielders to fight for their place. Good news for Charlie Adam.  Not so good for Stewart Downing.

Ok, see you then.

Don't you just love the summer? Er......not really.

Summer greetings all. Wowser, what a tough time the summer is. Cold, rainy and footy-less. Despite Sky Sports' greatest efforts to glam the U-21 Euro's up with nods to 'having the 3 Lions on their chest' and 'the next generation', it took the best part of 20 minutes to realise this was not to provide the footy fix we all hoped for. Watching Phil 'the next Beckenbauer' Jones hoof it up field at any given opportunity and Jordan 'the next James Milner' Henderson either relinquish possession or pass the ball backwards frustrated those who decided to take it seriously. Spain impressed, naturally. And then the Women's World Cup arrived like a shining beacon.......ahem. And guess what happened. A summer tournament. England fancied. They reach the knockouts. They lose on penalties.

A typical off-season has been witnessed with 0.6% of transfer rumours actually coming to fruition. Oh I remember a time when the biggest transfers of the summer were genuinely exciting, the stand-out one for me being Alan Shearer's switch to his beloved Newcastle United for a then mind-blowing sum of £15 million. This was the best striker in the league moving for a figure that blew all others out of the water. What is £35 million nowadays? There is no frame of reference in today's market with the emergence and consequent dominance of foreign ownership and what is tedious is the lengthy process of acquiring the player; absolute saga's. Nasri, Fabregas (again), Modric, Sanchez, Sneijder etc.

Sky Sports News loves transfer banter and are filling the off-season holes with some absolute tripe. One particular feature is their correspondents reporting live on site (well just outside the gates) from the rather unglamorous looking 'Spurs Lodge' training complex, hoping that they will get their daily interview from 'Arry. This is usually performed with 'Arry hanging out of his car window using the same selection of words as the previous day. Examples include 'terrific', 'player', 'Luka', 'staying', 'lad', 'top' and a new word he has recently discovered and bloody loves, 'farcical'. In other news from Spurs Ledley King has had his 108th knee operation. Good luck with that one.

Manchester United have strengthened considerably which is worrying for their rivals. Not content with his Premier League winning squad, Fergie has decided to smash balls-deep into the transfer market (so much for all that debt). Within weeks of the season ending he had acquired a new centre-back/DM in the previously mentioned Phil Jones from Blackburn, a wide man in Ashley Young and more recently the young Spanish goalkeeper David de Gea to replace the irreplaceable Edwin van der Sar. In what was a disciplined (in terms of executing their specific role within the team) and well-drilled squad last season, it remains to be seen whether these new signings upset the balance or further strengthen a determined squad who has kept the majority of their key players. It is hard to imagine they will be weaker, however the loss of van der Sar is not to be understated and will encourage their rivals, especially when you think back to how many points he was worth in his final season.

The Copa America is in full swing not that many of you would know it. Unfortunately due to the nocturnal, albeit laddy timings of the games (kick-offs ranging from 8pm to 2am) and the sole coverage of the event in the hands of ESPN (which about 28 people have subscriptions for) the competition has been difficult to follow. Taking place in Argentina it has been unpredictable, that is if you were expecting a goal-fest and Argentina and Brazil to dick all over their rivals. Only 5 out of the 18 games so far have witnessed more than 3 goals. Argentina began the tournament as favourites (going off at evens) and drew their first two games, in which they were unceremoniously booed off following the drab 0-0 with eventual group winners Colombia. Needing to win their final game they duly sprung to life against Costa Rica with Sergio 'Kun' Aguero bagging a brace to take his tournament tally to 3 and that lad Messi running the show.

Stat: Lionel Messi has taken a total of 36 shots in the 2011 Copa America and the 2010 World Cup. He has a grand total of 0 goals. Unbelievable Jeff.

A lacklustre Brazil finally got it together with a 4-2 victory over Ecuador after also beginning with two draws. They managed to win their group, with in my opinion the weakest collection of Brazilian players for as long as I can remember. They lack a traditional goal machine and the central midfield duo of Chelsea's Ramires and Liverpool's Lucas Leiva, whilst industrious, is not the most creative and fearsome on the world stage.  The mightily impressive Chile go from strength to strength and have secured wins against Mexico and Peru and were unfortunate to only draw with Uruguay (playing with a frightening top 3 of Suarez, Forlan and Napoli's prolific Edinson Cavani), and they topped Group C. The quarter-final line-up is as follows:

Colombia vs Peru

Argentina vs Uruguay (feisty)

Brazil vs Paraguay (upset?)

Chile vs Venezuela

The first two of these quarter final matches take place on Saturday night. With the business end of this tournament, dripping with passion, flair, aggression and tension, I can finally get my soccer-sapped claws into something. I'm off to give ESPN a bell. Cheerio.

Guess who's back, back again, Did's is back, tell a friend.....

Didier Blogba is back. In a nutshell the last month has witnessed Manchester United gain a stranglehold on the Premiership, Arsenal trying their damndest to finish empty-handed again, Chelsea maintaining their unfathomable woeful post-October form, Spurs falling off the wagon and an exciting and vastly open relegation tussle.

So apparently Wayne Rooney shouted something obscene directly into a camera, which is the reason I have had to put up with his ugly mug on Sky Sports News on repeat, daily. This will teach me to watch SSN on repeat, daily. This topic has gained some serious coverage so I will attempt to summarise briefly. When you approach a camera as a professional footballer and swear directly at it, addressing the adoring public, I don’t care how thick you are, how pissed off you are that you have scored a match-winning hat-trick (humph), how many GSCE’s you haven’t got, how many tyres you’ve stolen, you know that is not kosher. Considering the antagonising manner in which he did it and on the back of escaping punishment for planting an elbow directly into James McCarthy’s chops, the 2 match punishment appears fair. Holding his club to ransom, whores and erratic (but currently majestic) form; it’s certainly been one crazy season for the boy Rooney, who will now miss the all-important FA Cup semi-final with their Manc neighbours Citeh. Done.

For those of you so starved of news other than ‘Sweargate’ I have the following gems for y’all, starting with the news that Jose Mourinho has lost his first home league game in 9 years. And their conquerors....oh yes, you've guessed it, Sporting Gijon. JM has been overheard claiming ‘in these 9 years, in which Jose Mourinho, I,  me, The Special One, has been truly incredible, I have managed with great success in the top leagues in Portugal, England and Italy. The truth behind my extensive travelling between these leagues is not predominantly down to my ambition and undoubted talent, but the avoidance of facing Sporting Gijon. The one issue with taking the Real job was the prospect of facing Sporting Gijon, however I never shirk from a challenge, no matter how imposing. I told the lads to give everything, and then some, but naturally Gijon prevailed. God damn you Sporting Gijon!’

With the Premiership looking done and dusted (and I know if Arsenal win their game in hand and beat United they will be 1 point behind them, but, hmmm……) attention turns to the bottom half of the table:

                                                                                                             Source: BBC Sport

Usually one team is gone by this stage. 7 teams can be considered as relegation candidates – Aston Villa in 14^th to Wigan in 20^th. Detailed below is the run-in's for those threatened clubs beautifully displayed in their respective colours (my creative side):

ASTON VILLA	BLACKBURN	BRUM	BLACKPOOL	WEST HAM	WOLVES	WIGAN
West Ham (a)	Everton (a)	Sunderland (h)	Wigan (h)	Aston Villa (h)	Fulham (h)	Blackpool (a)
Stoke (h)	Man City (h)	Chelsea (a)	Newcastle (h)	Chelsea (a)	Stoke (a)	Sunderland (a)
West Brom (a)	Bolton (h)	Liverpool (a)	Stoke (h)	Man City (a)	Brum (a)	Everton (h)
Wigan (h)	West Ham (a)	Wolves (h)	Spurs (a)	Blackburn (h)	West Brom (h)	Aston Villa (a)
Arsenal (a)	Man Utd (h)	Newcastle (a)	Bolton (h)	Wigan (a)	Sunderland (a)	West Ham (h)
Liverpool (h)	Wolves (a)	Fulham (h)	Manchester United (a)	Sunderland (h)	Blackburn (h)	Stoke (a)
		Spurs (a)

Sunderland (P8 W0 D1 L7) on current form could well be considered, especially if they lose their forthcoming trip to St Andrews. In other weekend ‘6 pointers’ Wigan visit Blackpool whilst West Ham host Villa. A quick scan at their respective run-ins points towards trouble for West Ham and Blackburn, who have a potential winner-takes-all trip to Molineux on the final day. Blackpool are more leaky than Henry’s bucket, an issue they have failed to address, however do have 4 home games left. Wigan face only one top half team, Everton, and looking at the form of the teams above them may be confident of surprising everyone. Unfortunately for them 4 of these games are away from home. It will certainly be an exciting weekend and everything will become that little clearer come Monday.

The PFA Player of the year shortlist has been announced with Gareth Bale (2/7) leading the betting ahead of Nemanja Vidic (9/2), Scott Parker (10/1), Carlos Tevez (11/1), Samir Nasri (12/1), Charlie Adam (20/1) and Rafael van der Vaart (25/1). Maybe I am being as naïve as I am stubborn but I struggle to understand how Bale is the overwhelming favourite. Exploits in Milan should not influence the vote. This highlights what an underwhelming season the Premiership has been with the top nominee scoring only 7 goals and contributing 1 assist. For me Adam and Vidic are the outstanding candidates. In terms of Premier League Fantasy Football points earned Tevez leads the contenders, followed by Adam. Bale has the least. That’s concrete proof if ever I saw it! Anyhow, it is voted for by the players themselves so you cannot argue with the result come awards night.

Fergie is really ramping it up at the moment, the Terminator out to upset anyone who dares cross him or his squad of talented, mouthy gits. Unwilling to condemn the numerous acts of his terror Rooney, in a splendid act of defiance he is now taking on the police. Wolverhampton-based Superintendant Mark Payne ruffled Sir Alex’s feathers by claiming in a police blog that Rooney could have been arrested if such an act (sweargate) happened on the streets. Fergie felt the need to reply, claiming that Payne is "a wee guy, sitting down in the Midlands, probably never been recognised in his life" who had "managed to elevate himself to whatever it is in the police force". How nice. Before you start to wonder how Fergie can belittle a senior policeman like this remember that although Payne is a Superintendant, Alex is a Sir, and that equates to like way more authority. Then he claimed that referee Lee Mason was pressurised into the whole Rooney saga that resulted in his 2 game ban. I think Wayne did the damage himself there Sir. And then his smug interview following the Chelsea game, when asked about the rather blatant penalty, ‘’to be honest it looked like he made the most of it....it was a break and it’s the first we’ve had in 7 years here’’, delivered with a disgusting wry smile. Yuck.

The big games come thick and fast at what is now, officially, ‘the business end’ of the season. The Champions League and Europa League quarters finals act as the midweek filler in the domestic weekend sandwich. In the last week we have witnessed 8 ties in both the Champions League and Europa League with an abnormal quantity of goals. Assuming you footy nuts know the Champions League results I have detailed for you last Thursday’s Europa League results:

Porto 5 1 Spartak Moscow

Benfica 4 1 PSV

Villareal 5 1 Twente

Dynamo Kiev 1 1 Braga

I have immersed myself more in European football and this season I have swept my Europa league reservations under the carpet, converting from cynic to enthusiast. Despite the obvious amusement of giving your Liverpool chums grief about the embarrassment of appearing on Channel 5 at 8pm on a Thursday night drawing to a team of Hungarian builders, I have witnessed some splendid football and interesting ties in my Europa experiences (since the turn of the year I hasten to add). Three Portugese teams make up the 8 quarter finalists, with Benfica and Porto appearing as good as through whilst Braga attained a positive result against a decent Kiev team and will be confident of advancing.

It will be interesting if Benfica meet Porto in the final, at Dublin’s new Aviva Stadium, considering last week’s events between the two teams. Porto’s domestic results this season read, before last weekend’s visit to fierce rivals Benfica, P24 W22 D2 L0, a whopping 16 points clear of second. They proceeded to defeat the Red Devils 2-1 confirming the league title. Following the final whistle the Porto players and staff were deservedly enjoying this historic moment with their fans, when all stadium lights were switched off and they were left in complete darkness. Talk about bad losers! I can picture the Benfica Chairman and Manager standing by the stadiums ‘Mother Switch’ sniggering away. Something for the Aviva Stadium authorities to consider. With the semi-final draw already having been made, Porto vs Villareal, assuming they both progress from their favourable half time positions, will be a tie worth watching.

In my opinion the 4 Europa results combined with the midweek Champions League outcomes leaves only 1 tie in both competitions up for grabs, a Shevchenko-inspired Kiev vs Braga. Many may argue that the Chelsea vs Man Utd is not a dead rubber, however I beg to differ. If Chelsea score first then we have a cracking tie on our hands. For Chelsea to go through they will need star turns from a cluster of their players who are simply not in form. They could do with recalling Daniel Sturridge who appears sharper and in greater form than any other striker at the club. United have that ruthless, take-no-prisoners streak about them, a team that has not been at its best for large parts of the season but know exactly how to execute a game plan, soak up pressure and score that all important goal when needs be. I cannot see anything other than a Manchester United vs Schalke semi-final, the winners of which should meet either Real Madrid or Barcelona in the final. Stranger things have happened, and I am hoping for a stirring Inter comeback, 4-0 would do it. Enjoy  the weeks football.

Do me a favour, love

‘Charlie Adam is in a car, on the way to Liverpool. We understand a car has been sent from Liverpool, to Blackpool, to pick Charlie Adam up.’

‘Andy Carroll has just been picked up by a car, sent from Liverpool’.

‘Fernando Torres is currently being choppered to Chelsea FC’.

That’s right kids, welcome to TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY, on what has to be one of the most exciting days of the year for the sport-avid, Sky Sports News dependant generation. Football players travel updates, this is what is has come to. You have to assume SSN have missed a wee trick here, and ‘Transfer Deadline Day 2012’ will surely witness the introduction of car-cam, in HD + 3D with Brian Swanson (SSN’s big story go-to man) reporting live from a car in pursuit. Naturally the police force is currently running routine registration checks on these vehicles arriving from Liverpool.

It has been an eventful couple weeks in the world of football with some incredible headline-grabbing stories. We’ve had the situation at Sky with the main men offski, transfer requests galore, hat-trick mania and unsurprisingly the biggest transfer window spending on record. And that was achieved even before DEADLINE DAY. The grand total of spending equates to a cool £214 million.

The vast majority of the coverage is filler and tripe. The banter by the presenters, notably prime-time duo Simon Thomas and Georgie Thompson, verges on smug yet ultimately remains sharp and jovial. The transfer of Andy Carroll was broadcast with painstaking detail, and the accuracy of the reporting has to be commended. You knew what had been bid when the fax paper was still warm, the exact time of his transfers request and what he had for lunch. This intriguing transfer tells us that Liverpool’s owners are willing to splash the cash and I sense optimism amongst Liverpool fans following this show of intent. However £35 million for a player who has 1 international cap, 6 months of Premiership football, a dickie thigh muscle and a penchant for slapping women appears a major gamble. On the other hand he does look adept with both feet, he is built like a brick shit-house, is fast, has a rocket shot, leaps like a gazelle and all in all looks a special talent. Time will tell. However you can imagine football fans outside the British Isles thinking ‘who the hell is this guy?’.

That transfer is based on Fernando’s movements. El Nino has finally decided that playing alongside the likes of Lucas Leiva and Paul Konchesky is far too painful to even consider prolonging any further. I can empathise with Torres when you look at what he has had to endure in recent times at Anfield. Also the only team he can realistically go to in Spain is Barcelona, who remain rather skint. Real Madrid will always be out of the frame due to his emotional bond with first club Atletico Madrid and I could not see him going to Italy or Bayern. That leaves Chelsea and Man City as the two teams that could capture him. He has given Liverpool a huge amount and should be considered a Kop legend; however placing a transfer request is a sad and disappointing end to an era. At least it will give Liverpool fans something new to whinge about. They are currently burning his shirt right before my eyes live on SSN. They will be able to direct further fury in his direction next Sunday (February 6th) when Liverpool visit Chelsea. Wowser.

Minimal action at Manchester United, Arsenal and Spurs, although apparently Spurs had a bid for Charlie Adam accepted and in the words of ‘Arry, "the chairman couldn't get 'old of two fackin' shareholders who 'ad to sign the forms". That’s what you get for waiting until 10pm on DEADLINE DAY until deciding you want someone. Combine Sebastian Squilacci’s impending suspension with his ineptitude and you would expect Wenger to dip his toe. You have to admire his transfer policy and he could be forgiven for buckling in a time of lavish spending when abnormal transfer fees no longer shock. With only two centre backs available and a war-chest to spend his stubborn-ness of seeking out value has to be frustrating for the Arsenal faithful so desperate for success.

The other major story over the past fortnight is undoubtedly the demise of Sky Sports football linchpins Andy Gray and Richard Keys. What a classic example of how a story snowballs, and in our modern age in which so much is recorded, covered and distributed minor incidents can become headline news in a matter of hours. The two of them, to their credit, had built this empire of football analysis and broadcasting that was unrivalled. Ultimately this domination grew so large they deemed themselves untouchable. The only thing Key’s will be hanging out the back of is the Jobcentre.

The match in question was Wolves vs Liverpool in Sky’s 12:45 Saturday match. In a Ron Atkinson-esque ‘didn’t know the microphone was still on’ schoolboy error, Richard Keys, (in conversation with bezzie Andy Gray) said ‘somebody better get down there and explain the offside rule’. AG saw an opportunity to gain some ‘lad’ points and retorted ‘Can you believe that? A female linesman. Women don’t know the offside rule’. Ouchie.

Cue the only other woman in the country who does know the offside rule, Karen Brady. This woman has her head so far up her hypocritical, feminist and rather large arse. First of all, she writes a column in The Sun. This paper has more tits than Bill Oddie’s back garden. She has worked alongside David Gold and David Sullivan for the past 15 years, two magnates who made their money predominantly in porn, not really an industry that covers the female in glory. She now sits next to Alan Sugar, all porcelain doll, adding women power quips and reminders to us how she made it in a male-dominated industry. A single whiff of sexism and she assumes the role of saviour. Do me a favour love.

Returning to the incident, it was so bad that they had to go. The more you listen to it, the worst it gets, and a whole can of worms was opened. Keys, in an exclusive interview with Talk Sport, claimed it all to be laddy banter. You cannot help but get the impression that they believed in what they were saying, unless their humour has advanced to a level of dryness reaching desert proportions. If this is the case, I'm not mad, I'm impressed. At the end of the day they were ratted out, or as Keys described as ‘dark forces at work’. Just you wait until they flush that rat out, Gray will kill him. Despite my dislike for him, I am actually going to miss Gray. He is an easy target for banter, with his incessant over-blown descriptions of action, his first name reference to any football figure as if they are chums, and his constant fat-man chuckling at whatever his co-commentator says, or he says for that matter. I am not going to miss Key’s, that guy is pretty weird and definitely shit at football. A Lego man with a degree in broadcasting.

The games come thick and fast from now, with a full Premiership schedule midweek and at the weekend and Champions League returning, which promises to add further excitement to Tuesday's and Wednesday's. With the madness of Transfer Deadline Day 2011 done, I am looking forward to seeing what all the transfer fuss is all about, seeing these geezers play. Torres in a Chelsea shirt is going to take some adjusting. And I ain't no Liverpool fan.

Sports Day

Well December is over. Coldest since records began! Whatever you preferred, 'The Cold Snap', 'The Big Freeze' or their collective name and my personal favourite: 'The Big Snap'. Three separate fronts arrived, all trying their damndest to disrupt the busiest football month of the year. All of this while the rest of Europe is chilling, in a completely different sense of the word, due to their respective mid-season breaks. I much prefer it our way.

Roll on January. The trio of matches over the Xmas period (from Boxing Day to New Years Day) saw Manchester City and Spurs collect maximum points and my hat/deerstalker goes off to them. Proof perhaps of how a squad with two decent players in each position is critical to maintain form at a congested period such as this. And to think Spurs have achieved their lofty position without a prolific striker; Pavlyuchenko, Crouchie, Defoe and Keane have contributed a mere 6 out of Spurs' 31 league goals (19%) to date. Tottenham are a best-priced 11/8 for a top-4 finish with Sky Bet and Extrabet.

Arsenal are just so Arsenal aren’t they. Oozing class but dropping points. They flew out of the traps in the game of the week (on paper) against City, hitting the post 3 times in the first half hour. However with City gradually putting more and more millionaires behind the ball with the proverbial bus parked, the Gooners failed to find a way through. With City displaying an astonishing lack of attacking intent, in which they failed to register a single shot on target, a 0-0 draw ensued. With Spurs and Chelsea both losing away, Fergie must have been feeling rather smug with Wednesday’s results following their 2-1 victory over Stoke.

The themes that have emerged from this week’s matches resemble that of a school sports day:

The Sack Race – Ancelotti, Hodgson, Houllier and Grant: who will be the first to go, who will survive, will all 4 go in a bloody gaffer massacre? I am typing this out furiously as it looks like Woy's sacking is imminent. They are 7-4 with Hills to all have their jobs when their respective clubs next LEAGUE fixtures kick off. The ‘Drab Four’ are 16/1 to ALL be sacked by this stage.

The Three-Legged Race – if United win their game in hand they will stand 11 points clear of 4^th-placed Spurs and 12 ahead of Chelsea. This for me makes the Premiership a 3-way tussle between United, City and Arsenal.

The Wheelbarrow Race – Rafael van der Vaart carrying the Spurs squad to new heights. Although Spurs fans may deny they are a one-man team, he is the most suitable candidate I could think of in terms of impact on a teams position. I must also mention the influence Rob Green at West Ham has on his teams position.

The Obstacle Race – Abramovich’s reluctance to dip into those deep pockets is seen by many as the stimulus for Chelsea’s plight. Spending £18 million on Ramires hasn’t helped.

The completion of Wednesday’s fixtures signalled the end of the busy festive schedule and we now look forward to the weekend F.A Cup fixtures, which will no doubt serve up numerous clichés, high drama and upsets. It will also afford us the 'pleasure' of enduring the predictable, humourless, nostalgia-dripping state-the-obvious-say-what-you-see style of the BBC team. Their A-Team comprises Mark Lawrenson, Mark Bright and John Motson.  Our mute button no longer has it's symbol.

The first week of January not only signals the end of fixture madness but the commencement of transfer fever. If only a smidgen of the transfers dreamt up by the tabloids (in unison with numerous agents no doubt) actually came to fruition it would be worth all the hype. This is the month in which the journo’s really earn their corn. Sky Sports News have pulled out all the stops with their custom ‘January Transfer Window’ giant iPad contraption, bringing the latest in-running updates of potential movers. The presenters look incredibly uncomfortable multi-tasking conversing with its audience whilst attempting to operate the monster touch-screen provided to jazz up the 'drama' further. So far we have:

Ronaldinho to Blackburn Rovers – the Brazilian appeared both miffed and petrified in equal measure at the prospect of playing out his final years in the terraced-house capital of Britain. ‘Ok Ronnie, have you ever rugby tackled a goalkeeper’?  ‘Ronald, El Hadj will be looking after you, showing off what this town steeped in industrial history has to offer’. Can’t see it myself.

David Beckham to 1 of 14 teams. Yes 14 teams!! Reasons so far for signing him revolve around his professionalism, his attitude and publicity potential. It appears what he will bring in terms of on-field prowess is low on the agenda. I assume he will be used much like that of a penalty corner taker in hockey, whipping in deadly last minute free-kicks.

Robbie Keane to numerous – Villa, West Ham and Blackburn are interested but it looks as if he will be heading to Birmingham. After posing as a mannequin in the Spurs shop window for the whole season, ‘Arry informs us ‘its up to Robbie at the end of the day’, the first time he hasn't been pimped out all season. Maybe because he is as good as gone. He's a character that Harry, cheeky-chappy, happy-go-lucky, little bit whooaa, little bit wheeyyy, wheeler dealer. Just don't tell him.

WARNING: X-RATED

Ta ra.

I have thought about blogging for some time. There is a lot of that goes through my noggin and I have aspired to get it down in writing for some time, making it accessible to whoever is interested. I hope you enjoy.

Dec 25^th – Jan 2^nd 2010

I love Xmas. Well I love the Christmas stretch. I actually dislike Christmas Day, no football. 26^th, 27^th, 28^th, 29^th was packed full of games, and some cracking fixtures. I still get that greed-induced excitement from opening copious amounts of presents on Xmas morning, however following the ritual frivolities of bucks fizz, gathering of friends and family and smashing the roast of the year, I am done with Xmas by circa 1600. This is the depressing period when you feel compelled to watch Dr Who as there is no football in sight; one becomes restless.

Those four special days made up for that agonising wait......and is a crucial period in the Premiership 2010/11. Teams can fall out of contention and do irreparable damage with 12 points on offer in 11 days.  From the new year onwards every point becomes that little more important and the pressure and tension heightens, with the onset of mind games characteristic. The team that can best cope with such demands and adapt to settle as a solid, fluid and functioning unit that can grind out results at critical times will end the season victorious.

Man Utd came a cropper at Birmingham as their unconvincing away performances continue to hinder their charge towards yet another Premiership crown. Arsenal put in their performance of the season, albeit against a lacklustre Chelsea (who continue to plummet quicker than a Nick Clegg popularity rating) however followed that majesty up with a somewhat predictable dropping of points at Wigan. Then there’s Man City who, well, it’s hard to tell where they are at. Only at City can their star striker want to leave, they are out the title race, their manager faces the chop, they are back in the title race and Mario actually turns that frown upside down (I kid you not), all in the space of a week.

In those 4 days the Premiership came to life in which so much occurred in such a small period of time. This was symbolised by a typically blunt Alex Ferguson interview following the late drama at St Andrews, in which United were deprived another ‘win-to-nil’. The team is not playing to a standard that echoes their unbeaten run, however with Ferdinand and Vidic united they are so tough to beat. With this class duo marshalling, the Red Devils have conceded only 7 goals in the 12 games they have started together. With enough class in the squad to nick a goal United are a tasty ‘win-to-nil’ betting proposition in the Premiership, and I believe they will add such results to their away performances as long as these two stay fit.

Birmingham have to be the least creative team in the Premiership and despite their huffing and puffing looked odds-on to draw a blank against United on the 27th; that was until a classic ‘foul and handball’ combo by the giant Zigic. The ball found its way to the marauding ‘Busy’ Bowyer, and Sir Alex’s Xmas was ruined. Fergie’s post-match interview came as no surprise; the tone was stern, the dialogue repetitive (‘if the ref can’t see that, then what chance have you got’ x 3) and the face beet-red. You got the impression that he was willing to unleash proper hellish fury echoing that of an interrupted Christian Bale scene, a reaction no doubt exacerbated by Arsenal’s performance and near completion of a fully-fit squad, City’s refusal to go away and even Spurs’ consistent accumulation of points. Rafael van der Vaart is a stand-out 10/1 with Paddy Power to win PFA Player of the Year. At least for Sir Alex Chelsea look toothless and unusually bereft of confidence and ideas.

There is no doubt that we have a new character in the Premiership with Mario Balotelli and for this reason and the potential for ludicrous antics and misdemeanours I have decided to dedicate a section to the man himself. 

Despite his incessant sultry demeanour (I have seen a Chilean miner enjoy a day at work more), undoubted arrogance (‘’only Messi is better than me’’) and child-like temper (his petulant reaction to being subbed at West Ham) ‘Super’ Mario Balotelli has gained a couple of notches this week with the fashion item of the year.......

.....and the ‘slick-rick’-ness of his two penalties against the free-falling Villains. His non-appearance against Blackpool kept him uncharacteristically out of the spotlight for a few days. 

There are numerous footy-related topics that I wish to commentate on (Chelsea’s plight, the current state of football, post-World Cup 2018/2022 selection drama, lists, managers etc) but there isn’t enough time this week L.

Next update will be on Thursday 6^th January. Happy New Year folks.